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Grieving a Late Diagnosis of ADHD

October 16, 2025
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Receiving an ADHD diagnosis later in life can come with a wide range of emotions. You may feel relieved to finally understand yourself better, angry at your parents, confused about what comes next, or grief over living undiagnosed for years. You might have spent years or decades wondering why things felt harder for you than for others or asking, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I do this like everyone else?” Having a diagnosis can offer a name and framework for what you’ve been living through. However, there will likely still be emotions and beliefs about yourself to process that formed after years of struggling without accommodations and living without understanding how your brain is wired.

Grief After an ADHD Diagnosis

If you’ve received a late diagnosis of ADHD, you may be processing how this knowledge changes your understanding of yourself and challenges, and leads you to re-evaluate your past. You may look back on your life through a new lens, considering school experiences, work challenges, relationships, and self-esteem.

Many people with late ADHD diagnoses mourn a version of their life that might have been possible with earlier understanding and support. It’s common to have thoughts like:

A 2023 systematic review found that women living undiagnosed until adulthood reported lasting impacts on their social-emotional well-being and relationships, and feeling a lack of control in their lives (Attoe & Climie, 2023). Another study in 2019 found that adults diagnosed with ADHD later in life often experience self-blame, regret, and identity confusion initially before eventually integrating the diagnosis into a more compassionate sense of self (Young et al., 2022).

A chaotic pile of chairs and desks representing disorder, overwhelm, and the mental clutter often experienced before an ADHD diagnosis.

Why ADHD Gets Missed in So Many People

If you were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, you’re not alone. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder has long been underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed in certain populations. For years, the medical model of ADHD was based on a narrow, stereotypical image: a young boy disrupting their class or acting out. That limited view has left many others (especially women and girls) unseen and unsupported.

1. Gender Bias

ADHD often looks different in women and girls. While boys are more likely to display hyperactivity or externalizing behaviors, girls often show inattentive symptoms, such as daydreaming, disorganization, or emotional sensitivity. These can be misread as anxiety or depression. Many women are not diagnosed until adulthood, often after their own child is diagnosed.

2. Racial and Cultural Bias

Black, Indigenous, and other People of Color face additional barriers to ADHD diagnosis due to systemic racism, cultural stigma, and unequal access to care. Research has found that white children with similar symptoms are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD or an adjustment disorder, while Children of Color are more likely to be diagnosed with disorders like ODD (Fadus et al., 2020)

3. Socioeconomic and Access Barriers

Many adults grew up without consistent healthcare or educational advocacy, making early diagnosis unlikely. If your family or teachers didn’t have the resources or awareness to notice ADHD symptoms, you may have been told to “just try harder.”

4. The Masking Effect

ADHD masking (unconsciously or consciously hiding symptoms to fit in or avoid judgment) is common, especially among women and neurodivergent individuals from marginalized backgrounds. Over time, masking can become so habitual that it’s difficult to distinguish between one’s authentic self and aspects of their masking.

Recognizing these systemic and social factors can help shift the narrative from self-blame to understanding. It wasn’t your fault that you went undiagnosed. You were missed because the system wasn’t built to see you.

The Hidden Cost of Misunderstanding

Before diagnosis, many adults develop elaborate coping strategies, such as working longer hours, masking symptoms, or constantly apologizing for perceived failures. These adaptive strategies can lead to chronic stress, burnout, shame, and strained relationships.

When you’re told you’re lazy, careless, or not living up to your potential, it’s easy to internalize those messages. A late diagnosis often cracks that narrative wide open, revealing a truth that’s both freeing and painful: it was never a moral failing. You’re not broken. You have a neurodevelopmental difference, meaning your brain is wired differently.

A woman sitting on a couch with her face buried in her arm, expressing grief and emotional release.

What Could Have Been

Grieving after a late diagnosis of ADHD often includes more than sadness. It can also show up as restlessness, frustration, or nostalgia surrounding:

It’s natural to move through waves of different emotions regarding the life you might have lived had you known sooner.

Finding Meaning Beyond the Diagnosis

Existential therapy can help you process after you receive a diagnosis. This approach invites you to ask:

Therapy can help you explore these questions in a way that’s non-pathologizing and grounded in self-discovery. Rather than “fixing” ADHD, it’s about deepening your understanding of yourself and what supports you need.

Strategies for Coping with Late-Diagnosis Grief

1. Name the Grief

Give yourself permission to feel it all: anger, sadness, relief, confusion. These emotions are valid responses to lost time, misunderstanding, lack of support, and negative beliefs about yourself that formed while you lived undiagnosed.

2. Revisit Your Past with Compassion

Look back at earlier moments through the new lens of ADHD. Many instances where you may have thought you were lazy or a failure were likely connected to you trying to function without support. Try journaling from the perspective of your younger self, or writing a letter to them. This can help integrate compassion and forgiveness into your healing process.

3. Connect with Others Who Understand

Many adults find community in ADHD support groups, online forums, or therapy groups. Hearing others’ stories can remind you that you are not alone and that other neurodivergent individuals are trying to navigate a neurotypical world.

4. Reframe What Success Means

Growing up, you may have chased external markers of success that never quite fit your brain’s wiring. Now, you can redefine success on your own terms. For example, that might look like establishing more work-life balance so you have time and space for creative outlets. It could also look like finding a flexible job that aligns with how you work best and piques your interest.

5. Seek Support from a Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapist

Working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and grief can help you process your emotions and beliefs, learn about how your brain works, find ways to build support into your life, and revisit experiences with the understanding that you had undiagnosed ADHD at the time.

Integrating the Past, Embracing the Present

Healing after a late ADHD diagnosis isn’t about rewriting the past; it’s about integrating it. You can honor your resilience and mourn what you went through. You can grieve the misunderstandings while also celebrating the clarity that comes with better understanding yourself now. Therapy provides support for you to discover a new relationship with yourself that is grounded in understanding, self-trust, and purpose.

A woman at the therapist's office, working through existential grief with existential therapy.

Moving Forward with Existential Psychiatry

If you’re navigating a late ADHD diagnosis or wonder if you have ADHD, you don’t have to make sense of it alone. At Existential Psychiatry, Dr. David Zacharias provides patient-centered diagnostic assessment, therapy, and medication management. He’ll help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, process grief, build self-compassion, and explore ways to accommodate your ADHD. To begin services with Dr. Zacharias, please contact the office to schedule a free consultation.

Written by Existential Psychiatry Staff

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