In the U.S., self-worth is often equated with productivity and perfection. Self-compassion is misunderstood and not directly taught to the majority of the population, which makes it difficult for people to cultivate it on their own. Ultimately, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you desire to offer to others. This practice is essential for mental well-being, especially in the face of stress, failure, or emotional pain.

At its core, self-compassion invites you to step out of the cycle of shame, comparison, and self-judgment and instead relate to yourself with care, curiosity, and patience. It is an internal resource that can help you cope with suffering, recover from setbacks, and build a more grounded sense of self. Here we'll explore the common question, "What is self-compassion?" and our favorite practices to help you build it into your daily life.

Understanding Self-Compassion

One key researcher on the topic identifies three central components of self-compassion:

• Self-Kindness: Responding to your pain with warmth and patience rather than criticism or contempt. Instead of saying "What's wrong with me?" you might say, "This is hard right now, and I'm doing the best I can."
• Common Humanity: Recognizing that imperfection and suffering are part of being human, not a personal failure. This shifts the narrative from "I'm the only one who feels this way," to " I'm not alone. Other people struggle too."
• Mindfulness: Paying attention to your thoughts and emotions with openness and balance, rather than ignoring or exaggerating them. Mindfulness creates the space to respond rather than react.

In practice, self-compassion can look like:

• Taking a few deep breaths after making a mistake instead of launching into self-criticism.
• Setting boundaries and saying no to protect your energy.
• Letting go of perfectionism when it starts to feel like a cage.
• Speaking to yourself internally with phrases like, "It's okay to be where I am right now."

Together, these three components form the foundation of a healthier internal relationship with yourself. Practicing self-compassion doesn't mean avoiding accountability. Instead, it gives you the emotional support needed to grow and change at your own pace.

Barriers to Self-Compassion

If you've found yourself struggling to be kinder to yourself, know that you're not the only one. Many individuals have difficulties being compassionate towards themselves for a variety of reasons, including beliefs, experiences, wounds, relationships, and society. Obstacles to cultivating self-compassion include:

Fear of Self-Indulgence

One of the most common misconceptions is that self-compassion means letting yourself off the hook. People worry that if they stop being hard on themselves, they'll lose motivation or become lazy. In reality, research shows that self-compassion is associated with greater resilience and intrinsic motivation.

Deep-Seated Shame or Self-Criticism

For those with histories of neglect, abuse, betrayal, religious trauma, or other painful experiences, self-compassion can feel threatening. If you've always been told (whether directly or indirectly) that you're not good enough, offering yourself kindness can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. The inner critic often develops as a way to maintain control or protect us from future harm, and it takes time, care, and self-trust to soften that inner voice.

Cultural Messages

Many cultures value stoicism, toughness, and self-reliance. Vulnerability is seen as weakness, and emotional needs are minimized. In these environments, being gentle with or caring for your needs may be dismissed as "coddling" or antithetical to success. For example, in the U.S., employees are expected to return to work quickly after the death of a loved one. Extended time off is often viewed as "needy" or not putting your career first.

Perfectionism

People with perfectionistic tendencies often set unrealistically high standards for themselves and tie their worth to performance. When perfection is the goal, there's little room for mistakes or compassion for yourself. Anything less than ideal feels like failure.

Lack of Exposure or Practice

Many people don't know how to be compassionate with themselves because it hasn't been modeled for them. If early caregivers were dismissive, emotionally distant, or critical of you or themselves, it's less likely that you were taught or encouraged how to treat yourself with warmth.

Difficulty Distinguishing Compassion from Self-Pity

Some individuals associate being gentle with themselves as a weakness. They may worry that offering themselves compassion means wallowing in their problems, rather than facing them head-on.

Self-compassion can be difficult because it goes against the grain of how many of us were raised or have learned to survive.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

This is not a trait you're either born with or without; it's a skill that you learn and strengthen over time. Like any skill, it takes practice, patience, and repetition to develop. Below you'll find various ways to build self-compassion into your daily life.

1. Self-Compassion Breaks: When you're in a moment where you're feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or grieving, pause and acknowledge what you're feeling. Say to yourself, "This is a moment of suffering, and suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself right now." These phrases may feel awkward at first, but they help you validate and normalize your experience and practice caring for yourself.

2. Journaling with Kindness: Write about a painful experience with the intention of understanding rather than judging yourself. Ask: What would I say to a friend in this situation if I were trying to support them? Then practice saying that to yourself. Include phrases of support, acceptance, and care.

Examples:

• I'm sorry that happened to you. It wasn't your fault.
• We all make mistakes sometimes. It's part of being human.

3. Soothing Touch: Physical gestures can ground and calm you. Placing a hand over your heart, gently rubbing your arm, or hugging yourself can be powerful ways to offer yourself comfort, especially during moments of shame or distress.

4. Rewriting the Inner Critic: Begin to notice when your inner voice is harsh or punishing. Then experiment with more compassionate alternatives. Instead of "I'm such a failure," try "That didn't go how I wanted, and I'm feeling disappointed. That's okay. I'm allowed to struggle."

5. Practice Mindful Awareness: When painful emotions arise, practice noticing them without immediately trying to fix or avoid them. Use your breath as an anchor. Remind yourself that discomfort is temporary and that you're allowed to feel it.

Example: I'm feeling really sad right now, and that's okay.

6. Connect with Nature or Creativity: For some, self-compassion is easier when experienced indirectly through experiences or activities that bring you joy. This could include having quiet time, gardening, making art, spending time in nature, or engaging in something playful (e.g., dance, drawing, coloring, being silly). These moments give you opportunities to connect with yourself.

7. Use Visualizations: Imagine your most compassionate self, or a loving mentor, speaking to you. What would they say? What tone would they use?

Example: If my best friend were here, they'd hug me and say, "It's okay to rest and take a breath. You don't need to be perfect."

Building self-compassion is a process, not something you one day arrive at or perfect. We're not aiming for perfectionism in any way. It's about practicing returning to kindness and gentleness with yourself, again and again, in small and big moments.

Incorporating Self-Compassion Into Therapy

Therapy offers a structured and supportive environment to explore and strengthen self-compassion in a number of ways.

Naming the Inner Critic

Many therapists begin by helping clients identify the tone, language, and origins of their inner critical voice. Together, you can explore how this voice formed and what it tries to protect you from.

Practicing Compassionate Dialogue

Your therapist may invite you to role-play conversations between the critical voice and a more compassionate voice. This exercise can help externalize internal conflict and make space for a more balanced perspective.

Exploring Early Messages

Self-compassion work often involves reflecting on childhood relationships and experiences and the messages you received about worth, love, and mistakes. Understanding these influences can help you identify patterns and beliefs you've carried into adulthood that you'd like to change and create room for healing and reparenting yourself.

Encouraging Embodied Practices

Therapists may guide clients in using breathing techniques, grounding exercises, or touch-based self-soothing to cultivate a felt sense of compassion. These practices help move compassion from a concept into something you experience in your body.

Using Imagery and Metaphor

This involves the therapist asking the client to visualize a younger version of themselves or imagine what compassion would look like in physical form. These creative interventions can help individuals break through obstacles to self-compassion that they're facing.

Building Emotional Tolerance

Developing self-compassion also involves building the capacity to sit with painful emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Therapists support this by helping clients balance emotional exposure, offering co-regulation, and reinforcing self-care.

In therapy, self-compassion is not just a technique, it becomes a relational experience. The therapist models compassion and attunement, which the client can internalize over time.

Intentional Support for Your Self-Compassion Work

At Existential Psychiatry, Dr. David Zacharias has helped numerous patients over the last two decades. He brings a thoughtful, relational approach to therapy and psychiatric care at his Seattle practice. Dr. Zacharias helps individuals not only manage symptoms but understand themselves on a deeper level, including how to develop greater self-compassion.

If you've struggled with an inner critic that won't quit or feel disconnected from your own emotional needs, therapy can help. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and take a step toward a kinder relationship with yourself.

Written by Existential Psychiatry Staff

Sources

• Centre for Clinical Interventions. "Building Self-Compassion Building Self-Compassion, Module 2: Barriers to Self-Compassion." March 2017. Accessed May 27, 2025.
• Neff, Kristin. "What Is Self-Compassion?" Self-Compassion, 2024. Accessed May 27, 2025.