Recognizing the Signs of Covert Narcissism

When most people hear the word narcissist, they picture someone arrogant, demanding, attention-seeking, and convinced they're better than everyone else. While that's one way narcissistic traits can show up, it isn't the only one.

Narcissism can also look much quieter. Someone may seem insecure, self-critical, withdrawn, or extremely sensitive to rejection while still having a strong need for validation, recognition, or control in their relationships. This is often what people mean when they use the term covert narcissism.

In research, this presentation is more often described as vulnerable narcissism, and can involve intense sensitivity to criticism, shame, insecurity, envy, and difficulty maintaining a stable sense of self. Vulnerable and grandiose narcissism aren't necessarily two completely separate types of people. They are different expressions of narcissistic traits, and someone can move between or show aspects of both.

Here we'll explore the signs of covert narcissism and what effective support can look like.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissism

The easiest way to understand the distinction is to think about how narcissistic traits are expressed, instead of viewing them as two different disorders.

Overt or grandiose narcissism is closer to the stereotype most people recognize. Someone may openly seek admiration, exaggerate their accomplishments, expect special treatment, feel entitled to attention, or behave as though they're more important than the people around them.

Covert or vulnerable narcissism can be much harder to recognize. Instead of openly demanding admiration, someone may be preoccupied with how others perceive them, intensely sensitive to criticism, easily wounded by perceived rejection, or prone to shame and withdrawal. Their need for validation may be expressed through insecurity rather than confidence.

The American Psychiatric Association notes that narcissistic personality disorder can include both grandiosity and significant vulnerability (APA, 2024). Someone who appears humble or withdrawn may still be struggling with underlying feelings of superiority, entitlement, or threats to their self-esteem.

For example, overt narcissism can sound like "I'm better than everyone," and covert narcissism may sound more like "Nobody appreciates me because I'm surrounded by people who don't understand how great I am." While the presentation is different for each, the underlying relational difficulties can overlap.

What Does Covert Narcissism Look Like?

In my practice, I often see people who have spent a long time trying to understand why a particular relationship feels so confusing. They might make comments such as, "They're not obviously abusive," or "They seem like such a nice person. Why do I always feel terrible after talking to them?" When this happens, we explore the different patterns that are coming up in a relationship instead of one particular behavior.

Everything Is About Them

You bring up something that hurt you, and the conversation quickly shifts to their pain. You might say, "I felt dismissed when you canceled our plans without talking to me," and they respond, "I guess I'm just a terrible person. You obviously think I can't do anything right." Suddenly, you're reassuring them instead of talking about what happened.

While everyone can be defensive sometimes, it becomes a concern when this happens repeatedly, and there is little room for your feelings unless you're also taking care of theirs.

They Are Extremely Sensitive to Criticism

A small piece of feedback can feel like a devastating rejection. Rather than being able to hear, "That hurt my feelings," they may become deeply wounded, withdraw, become resentful, or turn the conversation back on you.

Vulnerable narcissism is associated with heightened sensitivity around self-esteem and negative reactions to perceived threats, criticism, or failure.

They Need Constant Reassurance

Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. However, this becomes an issue when a person needs constant reassurance. You may find yourself repeatedly explaining that you're not angry, proving that you love them, reassuring them that you aren't leaving, or trying to convince them that they're good enough. Eventually, you may feel as though you're responsible for keeping the other person emotionally stable.

Self-Deprecation Becomes a Way of Getting Validation

"I'm such a horrible person."

"Nobody really likes me."

"I'm obviously the worst partner you've ever had."

These statements may reflect genuine low self-esteem, but they can also be a recurring pattern where the individual making the statements expects the other person to reassure them. A question to help differentiate if this is a sign of narcissism is: What happens if you don't reassure them?

Do they become angry, withdraw, punish you emotionally, or make you feel guilty? If so, then it's more likely a sign of narcissism than only self-criticism.

Their Feelings Seem to Have More Room Than Yours

One thing to pay attention to is reciprocity within the relationship.

Can both people be hurt? Do you each disagree sometimes without one person becoming the victim? Can you both ask for something without being made to feel selfish? Do they acknowledge that they've hurt you without immediately explaining why they are the one who has actually been wronged?

Narcissistic difficulties often involve problems with empathy and relationships, although these can look very different for each person.

What About Overt Narcissism?

It's helpful to recognize the other end of the spectrum.

Someone with more overt or grandiose narcissistic traits may:

• Frequently seek admiration or attention
• Exaggerate their accomplishments
• Expect special treatment
• Feel entitled to other people's time or resources
• Become angry when they aren't treated as important
• Take advantage of other people to get what they want
• Struggle to recognize or respond to other people's needs

Overt and covert narcissism are different ways narcissistic traits can be expressed. Someone might appear confident and entitled at work but become deeply insecure and withdrawn in an intimate relationship. Another person might present as chronically wounded while privately holding strong beliefs that they deserve more recognition than everyone around them.

Avoid Labeling Someone Based on a Checklist

"Narcissist" has become a popular word online that's often used to label people who have harmful behaviors in relationships. However, being selfish sometimes doesn't make someone narcissistic. Neither does being insecure, defensive, jealous, emotionally immature, or difficult to communicate with.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a persistent clinical condition involving significant difficulties with grandiosity, need for admiration, empathy, and relationships. It requires a much broader assessment than identifying a few behaviors on a checklist.

In my practice, I encourage patients to be cautious about trying to diagnose someone who isn't in the room with us. I don't minimize the hurtful behavior they have experienced, but we turn our attention to how the relationship is impacting them and what their needs and boundaries are moving forward.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you're wondering whether you're dealing with covert narcissism, try stepping away from the question "Is this person a narcissist?" Instead, determine if the relationship is working for you.

Trying asking:

• Do I feel like my needs matter in this relationship?
• Can I disagree with this person without being punished, guilted, or emotionally shut out?
• When I bring up something that hurt me, can we actually talk about it?
• Do I frequently find myself apologizing just to end an argument?
• Am I responsible for managing this person's emotions?
• Do I leave conversations feeling confused about what just happened?
• Have I started questioning my own perceptions because the same conflicts keep getting turned around on me?

When to Seek Help

You don't have to wait until a relationship becomes abusive before seeking support. Therapy may be helpful if you regularly feel confused, guilty, emotionally exhausted, or responsible for another person's emotional state. It can also help if you've begun doubting your own judgment or have difficulty knowing what your needs and boundaries are.

In therapy, you examine the relationship with some distance. You'll also have support to explore what you're experiencing, identify recurring patterns, and figure out what boundaries or changes you'd like to see.

I Think I Might Be in a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

My patients who have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist often express feeling confused or unsure of themselves. Below is an exercise to help you explore your relationship and see it more clearly.

Write down three recent interactions that left you feeling confused, hurt, guilty, or emotionally drained.

For each one, write:

• What happened?
• What did I need?
• What did I say?
• How did the other person respond?
• Was there room for my feelings?
• What did I feel responsible for afterward?

Sometimes having a name for a pattern is helpful, but ultimately, the more important question isn't whether you can prove that someone is a covert narcissist. It's whether you feel respected, safe, heard, and able to be yourself in the relationship. If the answer is consistently no, that's something worth exploring for yourself.

Support for Relationship Difficulties | Seattle Therapy

If you've been trying to make sense of a relationship that leaves you feeling confused, emotionally exhausted, or unsure of yourself, you don't have to figure it out alone.

Dr. David Zacharias offers thoughtful, individualized therapy for people navigating difficult relationship dynamics, boundaries, self-doubt, and mental health concerns. Therapy provides a space to step back from the relationship, understand what's happening, and reconnect with your own needs and perspective.

You don't need to know whether someone in your life is a covert narcissist before reaching out. You can start with what you know: something about the relationship isn't working for you, and you want to understand why.

If you're ready to explore what's happening and what you want to do next, contact Existential Psychiatry to schedule a free consultation.

Written by Existential Psychiatry Staff

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2024). What is narcissistic personality disorder? American Psychiatric Association. https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder